Savior

The US Government reports to have a man, one Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who claims to be the mastermind of nearly 30 high-profile terrorist attacks including failed assassination attempts on then President Bill Clinton, the 2002 Bali bombing and the infamous attacks on the World Trade Centre towers.

That sounds pretty fucking unbelievable to me. That’s a fairly fanciful session for Lex fucking Luther. Don’t try to convince me that a single sand-eater is responsible for the complete works of 21st century terror. I’ll buy that right after I buy a cold turd salad off the McDonalds New Choice Menu.

What does that mean for the world? What does that mean for the War on Terror? Is it over? Can we call off the dogs? Is Osama (who is and always was a free, wealthy and oddly charismatic chap) now an UN-wanted man? FBI’s Most Wanted original poster-boy free to invest in Texan oil again. He’ll be on a couch with Oprah before the end of the fucking week.

“So, Osama. Where have you been all this time, girlfriend?”
‘Well, I spent most of my time in this delightful café down in the West End working on my memoirs. They have the most amazing double choc cookies there!’
“And you know what!? We’ve got cookies for everyone in our audience! COOOKIEEES!”

*crowd goes fucking nuts*

*white lady in pastel knit can’t find her cookie*

*she suspects that the black lady next to her stole it, but is reluctant to speak up*

*cries tears of joy anyway*

“That was Osama. His book is in stores now. It changed my life. I’m not just saying that. Thank you for being here.”
‘Death to infidels.’
“Of course, death to infidels.”

Can you even do that? Can you just tell prosecutors anything? Have they asked for any evidence? Corroborating witnesses? This all sounds a little like the boy who cried ‘I killed Jean-Benet’ to me. Fuck. Only in Guantanamo. Any other prison in the world and it’d get you a free ticket to some low-security nuthouse.

Why don’t they just ship these ‘suspected’ terrorists to Area 51 and treat them like the aliens they believe them to be. Have a nationally broadcast autopsy. Find the Terrorist gene and a cure for beardlessness.

By claiming to be responsible for everything good that the terrorists ever did, is effectively trying to absolve the crime and guilt (dare I say sin?) of all terrorist-kind. I’m no Qur’anic scholar but surely there has to be some modesty in martyrdom. This dude is giving Jesus a run for his money.

I can see it now. In centuries to come the books written about him by pseudo-political analysts and cash-hungry pop-academics will be collated to form the newer testament – a version true to Islam.

A great following will rise. Praise be to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who died in the chair for all our sins. People will send great sums of money of preachers of his teachings with little silver electric chairs around their necks – arguing long into the night on talkback community radio about how the miracle of 9/11 WAS that half of the 19 hi-jackers were found to have never been on the plane in the first place (resurrected) NOT THAT two unskilled pilots could hit a single building with a jumbo at 700kms an hour. Mercy on your children.

The first casualty of war is reason. The second is apparently irrelevant.

*somewhere in middle-America a black lady gives her daughter a cookie that she brought her from the Oprah show*