Condoms

Rummaging around in the hospital, looking for something interesting to swallow, I discovered that all of the condoms that are dished out around Maningrida are black. Until that moment it had never occurred to me that the condoms I’d been using all these years (alright, I admit it – this year) were that colour because the dicks they get used on are largely white (oxymoronic?). I just figured that they were that colour because that’s the colour that the-stuff-you-make-condoms-out-of is. And so I must rethink…

What colour of condom would I be most comfortable putting my dick in? I’m not afraid to ask the big questions, folks. Are Asians more comfortable in yellow hues? Are Russians donning red for their one-armed salute? Do Eskimos roll on a tiny blue one after a hard day of eating snow or whateverthefuck it is they do?

White, pink, red, yellow, brown, black and blue – depending on weather conditions and incidents of domestic violence. That’s your gamut. What happens if you get yourself a tan, worse yet, a sunburn? Poor circulation? Syphilis, gangrene, leprosy? What then, I ask you?

What if you don’t identify with a race, but with a nation? Can you storm a Bastille in red, white and blue? Run a Union Jack up your pole? Or fuck someone in the arse with the fitting stars and stripes? It’s starting to get all politically and complicated-like.

Does the colour you use have an effect on your sexual appetites? If you roll on a black one do you wanna go tap that ass of some big booty bitch? Pull on a pinky and plough your pecker through a pride parade? Wax white and wish for women with blonde hair, an unattainable chest and an arse like a ten year old boy… or the way it’s increasingly going, just the arse of a ten year old boy. Say what you will, when it comes to paedophiles, white people have the market cornered.

Is this going to change the way we buy condoms? Will ribbed condoms only be available to anorexics? Extra sensitive only to albinos? Will they be doing the glow-in-the-dark-dong-dance in Chernobyl alone?

Your choice of condom is like the flavour of ice cream you might choose (in some professions VERY MUCH like it). At the end of the day, you’re still getting some ice cream – who cares what cone it comes in? Not I, sir. Not I. As long as the tie-dying is done before I put my dick in…