Clinic

There was an ad on the telly. 'We believe that everyone in the world has the right to medical treatment...' another religiously based charity was begging for money to have the flies surgically removed from some African kid's eyes. All very well, but how can you appeal to such an ideal when you live in a country where medical attention isn't a right - and rightfully free? Does charity not begin at home - or at the very least, in the backyard or over at the neighbors'? 'Thanks for the invite, Kev. I brought a slab and an esky full of transplant corneas. Geez, the lawn's looking nice!'

I've been blaming my gritty and watery eyes on the constant air-conditioning, dusty winds and cursedly short and un-flirtatious eyelashes. But after waking up this morning with my left lids caked over in eye-snot, I figured I might have conjunctivitis. I'd never had it before, but you don't need to be a doctor to read the symptoms of 'pink-eye'. You do, however, need to be a doctor to bag yourself a good Jewish girl. Another sad failure in my life - not even Jews-for-Jesus are interested in a sporadically employed aspiring writer with 'pink-eye'.

Off to the doctor. The clinic in Maningrida is exactly like health clinics everywhere - full of sick minority groups, narky staff and waiting lists. I wandered in and put my name down. The list looked long through my good eye, but blurred and non-threatening through my bad. I split the difference and took a seat. I'd been asked to sit with the other Balanda blokes, as not to intimidate the locals. Not wanting to tarnish my reputation, I headbutted the nurse and kicked a kid, just for good measure. At least it they wouldn't have to go far for medical attention.

The mood was somber. Air-con was on high and the tiles were cold - all the chairs had their foam showing. The walls, drab and covered in posters that remind you you're going to die. If you weren't depressed and tired and sick when you went in, it wouldn't take long. Luckily for the locals, most of them can't read. 'Don't touch the fish tank!' snapped a nurse, 'The sign says "Don't Touch!"' Good one, dipshit. That's like calling 'Fore!' on a golf course for the deaf. One of the nurses (just one, this is not to be taken as one of my standard all indicting generalisations) was walking around talking to Aboriginal people like they were retarded and she was angry - I fear the case was quite the reverse.

There was a Balanda lady - long grey-brown hair, nobly elbows, dressed in an oversize caftan. She had a sick Aboriginal child in her lap. The woman was the chatty type. She was boring some guy she didn't know with her life story, that consisted mainly of self-righteous tales poor service at the clinic, suggestions of how the clinic could improve its service, and the 'real' reasons why everyone is sick that the doctors don't acknowledge. When the guy-she-was-talking-to's head exploded in frustration, she directed her anecdotes at me. Hadn't she seen me kick the kid? How many have to die…?

I heard of her tales of living in Byron (surprise, surprise, sur-fucking-prise), how she once replaced reconstructive surgery with acupuncture, and how she once dreamed of the suicide attempts of a boy she never knew. I was suitably bored shitless, and it didn't make the 2 HOUR wait ANY LONGER. Now, I ike Byron, I am all for alternative therapies, and understand the significance of dreams but all these great things were hi-jacked by a bunch of new-age terrorists and have since been rendered shit. Howard should run on a war against hippies - it's not like he doesn't want to.

Fortunately my name was eventually called. My consultation was quickly, efficient and very friendly. The whole ordeal, including medication, was free. No bulk-billing, no Medi-Care numbers, no nothing. It became clear how the clinic was funded. It's a body, not a business. That's practically a mandate for it to be inefficiently run, under-staffed and over worked. It all made sense. And, to their credit, they are doing a good job with what they’ve got.

Medical attention is not the 'right' of anyone in any country - I don't give a fuck what the UN said. People have got this whole 'rights and responsibilities' thing arse-about. It is said 'everyone has rights, and it is our responsibility to uphold those rights'. Bullshit. That's presumptuous and self-serving. People have responsibilities, and when those are met by everybody, your 'rights' are inherently tended. If privileged people are meeting their responsibilities, those people in need will get the attention they require.

The key to getting free health care is to get yourself fucked over by powerful and privileged people - guilt will ensure you get a doctor. They'll fly one out gratis. Be an African or an Aboriginal - it may not be glamorous, but the drugs are free.