Nobody and Nothing

The week started off poorly. Half hung over and suffering a bout of poison penis – that’s when you drink so much that your dick completely stops working – I wasn’t feeling all that great about myself.

I was feeling a little highly strung as it was. I hate waiting – it’s the waiting I truly cannot stand. I get bored and frustrated. I get ahead of myself – running over scenario after scenario in my head. I get edgy, antsy and irritated. I self-medicate – sedating myself with booze, weed and daytime television. Then I get all bitter and depressed because I feel like shit and I have to wait around for someone else to tell me that things are moving along and I can start to feel better.

It was at this low ebb that I had a dream that summed it all up and made sure I started today off at the most depressing possible point. It was one of those frustrating dreams. I had a simple task to complete – actually several tasks over the course of the evening but I already feel bad about boring you with the details...
‘I had a dream last night, darling!’
“Really, honey!? Oh, that’s fucking fascinating… let me just make sure this revolver is loaded before I try to eat it for breakfast!”

Anyway, I found myself going through customs, and it just so happened that my pockets were suddenly full of all sorts of illegal shit; handguns, a bag of pot – hell, we’ve all been there. So the customs lady was suspicious as hell, but it turned out that I had pretty legitimate reasons for all the crap I was carrying.

She confiscated all my stuff and gave me forty bucks worth of five dollar notes in exchange. I had no idea what was going on. I wanted my pot and my handguns – what the fuck was I going to do with forty bucks? So I asked the lady what the deal with the fivers was, ‘cause I was lost, and she starts getting all narky at me.

I tried to explain to her that I genuinely did not understand the transaction that had just taken place and she starts to think that I’m taking the piss. The more I tried to calm her down and get a straight-forward answer, the angrier she would become, the more spitefully she would respond, and the more dire my situation would get.

It got to the point where it had been going on for so long that I actually became quite lucid, and wondered; ‘Hey, this is my dream. Why am I putting myself through this?’ I had to consciously choose to wake up. I felt depressed all day.

And I was like ‘faark!’ That is exactly how all of my real-life social transactions have felt recently. It’s like, I find myself in the middle of something and I have no fucking clue how it got to that point. What’s more, I always seem to be the arsehole in the situation. I’m digging holes that I’m too detached to even realise I’m digging.

When did I get so despondent? Last week? New Year’s? High school? Perhaps it’s all just a product of being bored, poor and effectively unemployed, but right now I can’t get excited about anybody or anything…

I got a phone call today. The deadlines are set, the work can begin and the waiting stops. My mood has lifted, if only slightly… and I’m almost afraid of going back to bed, for fear of falling.